Angst of an aging problem child.

You only have to do it once. And never again.

2009-07-03T18:46:06Z

Argh... it's been quite a while.

June's been a good month - St Andrews, new fitness regime, cycling, the thumb incident, Waiting for Godot, Phonogram, Rank-Gradient, bouncy castle, Vettel winning, current unbearable heat, etc. - backdated entries to follow.

Of note: yesterday, I agreed to do a triathlon within the next 11 months. Shortly after, I discovered how long they are. (And I've been swiming about once in the last 5 years, which was playing with my 2 and 4 year old cousins. This shall be worked on. This should, with luck, be fun.

It's a year since I graduated. The most striking thing, as always, is how much has changed, and how little I've done. Life, as always, feels crazy and fragmented, and I can't believe where I am, really. Or can, depending on how cynical I am. Still incredibly lacking in self-belief, still falling apart fair amounts. In a long-distance relationship, but not by design. (Actually, tricky at present. Gf getting on to me about medication, in opposition to usual order.) But I have many friends. And some of them are with me.

Anyway, as always, after a couple of hours sleep, I'm off, with a stack of comics, novels by Pynchon, Mike Carey and Calvino and textbooks to get an overnight bus to Glasgow, and Kathryn's going to take me to her friend's B&B at a beach in Argyll for the weekend. Life's pretty good.

She's the kind of girl who tells you she's bipolar just to make you trust her

2009-05-30T10:20:10Z

Scotland. Great. Wonderful. Not London. Very much appreciated.

Night bus up and down may end up being foolish in retrospect, but it's cheap.

Last week I played with little cousins in Glasgow, before heading to Ayr to see Kathryn. The Scottish Agricultural College is quite different from London, and the change of scenery was a huge relief. We saw the new Star Trek, and I had decent Fish and Chips for the first time in a long white. Both events were hugely exciting.

Home was good; I missed Bilbo, our dog who died a month back, but amazingly my mother seems to be recovering from the chronic fatigue/ME which made her lose her job and need to spend every afternoon asleep for the last two and a half years. And seemed like early onset dementia. Which is pretty amazing, as I thought I'd lost her.

Been in St Andrews since Wednesday. Aikman's, my favourite bar and a key home place closed the day I arrived. This is tragic, and have been mourning it greatly since.

Climbing yesterday was good. The main thing I've learned while here is that I need to get my act together, focus more and be distracted less.

Did they tell you/ You should grow up/ When you wanted/ to Dream

2009-05-20T02:12:59Z

Just back from an excellent Metric gig in Electric Ballroom, Camden.

It was amazing - Emily Haines is gorgeous, which I'd not quite grasped before seeing her like this. And I was blown away by how great they are live - one would think her ... (ghostly? Ethereal?) Unique voice might not sound great live, but it did. To the extent that on Help I'm Alive, their second song of the evening, the most instantly catchy from their new (third/fourth) album, I started to wonder if she might be miming. Before realising that she isn't, and her voice is just that utterly beautiful naturally. And the sound system was set up so that the vocals were really clear over the music, which seems unusual. It was the last date of the tour, so the band didn't hold back.

The set was loaded with songs from the new album (which, incidentally, is streaming for free on their Myspace - no catches, no registration, just go to the site). I'd listened to it a few times before tonight. I hadn't realised how good the album is until now. [And they made me almost take a song called 'Stadium Love' seriously. After hearing the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band version, that's hugely impressive.] They played a few less of their classics than I would've liked - but Dead Disco and Monster Hospital were both great (the former had a very nice solo in its intro, and the crowd singing the first line of the latter was great fun), Empty, my personal favourite was great, although putting five minutes of talking into the bridge was an ... interesting choice. Live It Out, which they closed with, was brilliant, though - they called it "Our Freebird" and played a version which was closer to being acoustic (roughly this arrangement, except with an electric guitar. And a rhythm section coming in partway through. But listening to both arrangements is worthwhile and a little mind-blowing.) It would've been nice to hear Combat Baby, Succexy, Poster of a Girl or some other older songs, but it was one of the best gigs I've been to.

The showmanship was great, generally - Haines seemed genuinely happy and grateful to be there, and pleased. In discussing Gimme Sympathy, she said that what our generation needs is "a hybrid of The Beatles and The Rolling Stones. And we aspire to be that. Got nothing better to do." I'd love to see that. It won't happen, of course, but in an ideal world, they'd be U2 sized. Without, you know, actually being U2.

[Oh, and Jamie McKelvie of Phonogram, one of my favourite comic artists ever, who I met a couple of weeks ago was there. And said on twitter that he thought he saw me there. Good night.] Now... I've got an insane heap of things to do before I leave on Thursday night, so I'd probably better try and grab a couple of hours sleep.

Ready to be Heartbroken

2009-05-19T10:46:45Z

[Not updated in a while. Backdated stuff will be up at some point.]

Kathryn, who's been in Ayr for a week, just found out she's not got the PhD she'd applied for for next year. Which is all big and confusing and scary, because she's now freaking out over the fact she's no idea where she's going to be next year...

I met up with Dave Miller yesterday, in my fourth trip south of the Thames this year. Was excellent. Had forgotten how well we get on. Also, speaking to someone of that sort of geekiness is good. He mentioned All Tomorrow's Parties.

Was discussing going to the winter one with Kathryn, and she casually mentioned she wasn't sure, as she might be going halfway around the world. I didn't really know what to say to that. Or what to think. I don't want to stop her going places, but I don't know how I could work with her doing a PhD in Canada or Oz/NZ. She wants to talk later. I'm not sure what I'm going to say.

I feel rather alone now, in a big city, when most of my friends are in Scotland. It's crazy to think that 18, 15 months ago, I would never have thought I'd be here. The future's big and scary...

Update

2009-04-17T20:01:51Z

Just in from the postgraduate group theory conference in Manchester.

Was entirely social, more or less, though with ridiculously many talks. No one went to bed before 4 last night, I believe.

All in all, it was an excellent time.

More detail on this and others, including current status of Kathryn* to be entered and backdated later.

I currently have a Kiwi Nova Scotian who I unxpectedly dragged back from Manchester, and am putting up for the night to entertain, and despite not getting more than two hours sleep last night, am heading to Camden with him and Kathryn for a 50's rockabilly evening.

More news as events warrant!

*Edit: to be precise, Kathryn's got a her summer project of her Enviromental Technology Masters at a bird place in Scotland, so is moving to Ayrshire, and out of here in about 3 weeks. This makes both of us very sad.

I love her heaps, and she's my best friend here, so it'll be really hard, but at least I'll have more excuse to visit Scotland come summer. And I might be able to work on my PhD at last.

Right, Kathryn's more ready and Shannon (aforementioned Kiwi Nova Scotian of Egyptian heritage I met in Manchester and brought home. MALE Kiwi Nova Scotian of ... etc, before you get the wrong idea) are nearly ready to head out. To be continued. (Why do I work best as a hyper stream of conciousness bouncing to blurt stuff out on en route to something else. Probably the ADHD...)

You gonna look out for me, Sgt. Carver? You mean it? You gonna look out for me? You promise?

2009-04-01T16:36:54Z

New F1 season started on Sunday.

This year, there have been many rule changes, and after two seasons where it's been a wide open contest where any good driver (in a Ferrari or McLaren) can win it, going right to the wire.

Now all the teams are equal. Except for the formerly-soon-to-be-defunct Brawn GP, who are in a league of their own, and look to be set to run away from the rest of the field. Which is incredibly close.

Now, Jenson Button, who, for so many years I've called "The Tim Henman of F1", who can "never win a race", and "doesn't count" has won his debut Grand Prix. This season looks to be very very interesting - the racing is incredibly close, and with the differing technology and tyre levels, unpredictable. It's very good.

WAtched first race with Ally. He, Stewart and I made some predictions for the seasons. Might post them soon. And it's back on the BBC, with what is scientifically as near a perfect presenting team as possible.

Currently failing to work partially due to giving up ADHD meds, as Kathryn doesn't like how they make me at times. Which might be stupid, but it does bother me sometimes and... well, trying to see how I am for a week or so can't hurt, right? Off to conference dinner in Wadham College.

Lately my life seems to get closer and closer to the plot of some bizarre dream that I half remember. It's all good.

Woke up, got out of bed. Dragged a comb across my head.

2009-03-30T08:02:56Z

(Backdated: written about 5 am on the morning of Monday 30th.)

After pulling an all-nighter marking Wednesday night, my head hurt quite a lot and I didn't manage to get any work done, so I went to bed around 8 o'clock. I think Friday morning was possible the most bizarre way I have ever woken up.

Kathryn, who'd been out at a party woke me up by whispering in my ear "Can I join you?", having broken into my flat, put on pyjamas and got ready for bed. Sometimes my girlfriend really rather disturbs me.

Marked the other 30 papers. Went into work, found two classes cancelled and tried to work. Discovered Kathryn had drawn a picture of me as a superhero, which is really cool, while failing to revise.

Returned, failed to pack and fell asleep. Woke up at 4 am, again, for the third time in a row, pointedly avoided watching qualifying, and packed to Cheltenham to watch it with Ally.

In this time of introspection, on the eve of my election, I say to my reflection, god spare me more

2009-03-26T07:07:38Z

Apparently, I can mark 40 tests in one all-nighter, despite getting in from work at 9, and spending a reasonable amount of time being sickeningly couply with Kathryn.

Now, off to the gym, before a supervisor's meeting I'm utterly unprepared for, then to Cheltenham and OXford at the weekend/for the week. Should be good to see Ally and Nicholas again, though I saw them 4 weeks ago and last week, respectively.

Off, as per usual, to my usual London commute, seeing statements from Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, and magazines saying "Britain has lost its brightest star" wrt Jade Goody's death of cancer, to meet my girlfriend with a masters in Biochem from Oxford at the gym. Amazing how unbelievable this would've been 15 months or so ago. And there's a black president of the US. This really is an alternate future.

We're going where the air is free

2009-02-23T13:10:17Z

Ah. Home from St Andrews. Huh. London is now my home. I'd not really realised how much this is the case now.

The visit there was fantastic: it's been one of those rare times when I've been looking forward to something a lot, and not disappointed with how it was.

I arrived around 5 on Friday night, dragged Stewart out of Ladbroke's, and, via, KFB, headed down to 166 Lamond Drive, James (Fidler), Owain and Tom's flat, one of my favourite places in the world. I spent a lot of weekend crashing there last year, and lived on the sofa for a good bit of the summer. Their sofa, incidentally, is about the comfiest I've ever found - it's about the only non-bed bit of furniture I've ever repeatedly accidentally fallen asleep on.

After having a delicious curry with James and Owain, I headed to Aikmans, which might always be partially my local. I had a great moment last summer when I realised that I'd got more than 12 Aikmans staff as my friends on facebook. Regardless, it is very nice to have a bar where, genuinely, everybody knows your name. But also contains a lot of very crazy people who often lead to interesting conversations - I still treasure that schizophrenic South African caddy who was talking to Ally and I after (or was it before?) graduation.

One more enjoyable even spent in the corner of the Cellar bar, this time with Stewart, danii_ellie, Arthur, many of his academic kids, along with Alison and James Hyde, who have got together and do make a really nice couple. One of Arthur's academic progeny present was Iona Ross, who I've known since she was 1, and I was 4 or 5, as she was the best friend of Karoline Bruno, little sister to Graham, one of my best friends. We talked about how scary it is that Karry and Beth, my little sister, are now both engaged, at the age of 20. Anish turned up, to my great delight - I'd not seen him for two years, as he took a JYA last year. It turns out he lives very close to where I'm staying, and is planning to move back there for law school for the next two years. While he's very amoral, over-opinionated, arrogant and kinda racist ("I can get away with being racist because I'm brown"), he's a fun guy, and really is a mate.

I headed back to the flat and found Tom with a really nice girl he'd just met, who had a boyfriend, and all that jazz, who left before too long, and he was beginning to obsess over. I headed to the lounge, she left, before too long, and we discussed, probably too loud for 3 am, comics, life, girls, and all that jazz. Non-jazz music more than jazz music, though. This did annoy James, who was leaving at 5 am that morning to go ice-climbing...

The next morning, plans to see my sister Fiona in Dundee fell apart, and I began to really miss Kathryn. Going to St Andrews was great, and the fact that it was on Valentine's Day did give me the line "I'm so against the concept of disgusting couples on Valentine's Day that, now I've got a girlfriend, I'm spending it 500 miles away." I did really miss her though, and that, like most of my lines, isn't that true. The original plan was that she'd come with me, but money didn't work that way. So I bought her a present, wrote a postcard, watched the rugby and gave Gill her long overdue birthday present. At, or around this time, I also read Scott Pilgrim V5, which was good, if not as good as the preceding volume.

That night out was shorter lived. After I'd finally finished the Singapore Fried Rice from Gordon Brown's favourite restaurant (really), which I've been trying for almost a year now, I went out, but there were less people around. I had a good time, and told some random guys that this girl who I'd just met liked them, because she didn't grasp that I will do what people tell me to - fortunately they were German and I spoke fast. I went back to the flat, and found the balloon-filled lounge (long story - photos to follow) filled with Luke and Paddy, and three Americans I, and indeed, all the flat's residents, and had never met before. So we had an excellent night discussing philosophy and divinity, while idly batting a couple of balloons about. After the interlopers left, Tom, Owain and myself stayed up talking till 4 in the morning. It's been way too long since I've done that with friends. And the guys in that flat really are kinda brothers to me now, which is a little odd, since I didn't do much with them till last year.

Yesterday was great - Tony called, to say he was back in town, so I ended up meeting up with him in the cellar that evening, against expectations. That last night in St Andrews was great, as I said last post.

And this evening's spent in the arms of Kathryn. Life is very good. Just... need to get back to maths soon.

Home is where I want to be ... I guess I must be having fun

2009-02-16T01:32:43Z

This is the life. I'm sitting on my mate's sofa in St Andrews, listening to The Good, The Bad & The Queen, one of my favourite songs ever, watching James and Stewart playing Halo 3, at the culmination of one a brilliant weekend.

Four days ago, I told Kathryn I love her for the first time, a couple of days before going away for the weekend. Which does indeed include Valentine's Day. (The original plan was for her to come too. Money situations forced that to not happen, and she insisted I go. About twenty times.) [Rebellion (Lies) now. YES!]

On Thursday, I had a supervisor meeting, and fully discovered the power of the deadline in that I finally understood the proof he'd outlined a week previously, a couple of hours before the meeting. I also had a really good idea during our meeting, possibly the first I've really had while here (not that great, maybe, but I'm really kinda proud of it. A nice little proof idea). [Paranoid Android. I love it when shuffle gives a winning streak.]

I've had a great time this weekend, and seen just about everyone - culminating tonight when I managed to go drinking with Tony, who was away this weekend, so I'd not been expecting to see, which was a shame. Then Edwin, who'd also been away, and I'd not expected to see turned up. For the first time since October '07, he didn't say "You've shaved your beard off!". Also, Stewart, like a bad penny. Then Margot, a cute girl who's just my type and would drive me crazy who Torben'd meant to introduce me to all last year turned up, and a good time was had by all. [Combat Baby!]

Now, I must play Halo for a while with Stewart. TBC.

And you may ask yourself "Am I right or am I wrong?". And you may think to yourself "My god! What ha

2009-02-04T00:00:34Z

I love climbing. Just back from a 50 minute tube journey from climbing. Feels so good. So tired. My climbing partners comprise Chris, a fellow PhD student, his schoolfriend Joe, and his workmate, at some special effects company, Ingrid. As with just about everyone I know in London, they're vastly older than me. The median age of those I social with these days seems to be about 25. But then, I always did the immature thing well. I'm so glad I've got back into climbing. It's one thing which actually helps me switch off and forget everything else. It's so pure, free and natural.

Accidentally slept 6-11 this morning, so was slightly compromised at work. On the plus side, I went to see Kathryn last night and tucked her in, after chatting for a while. She's still sick, but still going in, and somehow have come off seeming really sweet from that.

And I'm going to get a decent amount of sleep tonight.

He's a god, he's a man, he's a ghost, he's a guru...

2009-02-03T05:54:57Z

The advantage of living on this part of the Piccadilly line is that, since we connect Heathrow to Central London, the tube is always left running. Of course, the downside of this is that on days like today, when there's something like 3 inches of sitting snow, and the London transport network is crippled, I can still get in.

However, as A) I didn't have anything on in the department today, B) it's closed, C) I have my books here from some weekend reading, D) I live in a cold, damp, but fairly spacious flat some 6 odd miles from work, and E) I'm fairly certain I don't actually have much suitable footwear here, I decided to work from home.

It's been a good weekend - as any which started with 6 PhD students consuming a fiver's worth of pork scratchings must - although I'm missing Kathryn an insane amount, given I've been less than 300 metres away from her for most of the weekend. She's been ill, not wanting to see anyone and had a friend visiting, so I've not seen her for three whole days! That's a very long time, for us.

Now to watch Hot Fuzz with Nikos, who just found out that he got a ridiculously good studentship with stupidly high stipend for a PhD at Oxford next year: he's going to be in the country for three more years, which can't be bad. I still love that film way too much to be healthy. Life's good.

Hey little sister what have you done?

2009-02-02T21:36:26Z

At, or around this time, Jonny made the rational, well-thought out, democratic decision to get back on the Lucozade as soon as possible.

Everything seems to be going a little crazy right now. Bilbo, the family dog, who I love way too much, has got lung cancer and is dying, so when I got a missed call from home this morning, I assumed that it was bad news on that front. Except it wasn't.

It was my little 20 year old sister, Beth, calling to tell me that her boyfriend Pete, had just taken her home, apropros of nothing, and proposed. So my little sister is now engaged. Which is incredibly odd, and seems to be out of nowhere - they've been together two and a half years, and are very devout Christians, so it's hardly surprising. Nonetheless, she was in town visiting me just over a week ago and knew nothing of it.

We had a great time while she was here; we went to the Tate, Camden, Oxford Street, the London Algebra Colloquium (that was just me), the V&A and the Lion King, with Kathryn, in the evening. It's an amazing show, well worth seeing, if you get a chance. We overslept the last night she was here so we dashed across London, and I ended up buying her another ticket to Glasgow, which hurt a little. Aside from that, and a really disturbing nightmare on the first night she was there, it was a great time.

I'm so tired of being lonely, I still have some love to give

2009-02-02T17:06:10Z

Manchester was excellent, although it was very odd to have some genuine peers of mine call me "Jonathan". The talk, which I didn't really finish writing, apparently was OK, even though I felt like I was dying - I'm sure there was a full minute at the start when I said nothing. Still, being the first student speaker is a sure way to have the audience on your side.

On the return, I read Joseph Heller's Portrait of the Artist, As an Old Man, which was excellent. It's a book I've put off reading for some three years, as I couldn't, at the time, face not having another Heller novel to read. Interestingly, as I picked it up while Christmas shopping, it's actually incredibly relevant right now. Structurally, it seems like Italo Calvino's If on a winter's night a traveller, which was a great birthday present from Nicholas, only from the writer's perspective. In addition, references to Pale Fire, along with another couple of novels I've read since arriving in London, it's very much in key with the postmodern stuff I seem to like these days. Very metafictional, and a great novel, really. Not as good as Catch-22, naturally, but that's sort of the point.

One day closer to death

2009-01-10T23:42:46Z

Today I got up at 2, helped a friend home, and resolved to work and write the talk I'm supposed to give at a student conference on Monday, as well as generally work.

I have written nothing for my talk, got no more work done than half-way through calculating a polynomial I did in bed this morning. I have, however, started writing two sitcoms, with two different friends, gone to the shop to get some more healthy food and come back with a tub of ice cream (they had Mackies!) and decided to spend a heap of cash on some comic artwork.

This week I'm going to start being productive. But now, I've got to head over to Kathryn's.

[ADHD or chronic procrastination? You decide!]

Jonny hearts Kathryn and Kathryn hearts Jonny.

2009-01-09T13:20:35Z

That is all.

My Year in Lists!

2009-01-05T20:23:47Z

2008 in review. Compare and contrast with 2007 or 2006, if you really want to.

What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Got a degree. Got a PhD place. Moved to London. Completed Expert Minesweeper in 99 sec. Went to see things I really love live. Had a flatmate. Got back in touch with a lot of old schoolfriends. Start going to the gym regularly. The number of things to write here is decreasing. I'm aging.

Did you keep new year's resolutions and will you make more next year?

1) Get out of St Andrews
2) Succeed less while being self-destructive
3) Finish getting a good first class Master of Mathematics
4) Focus again
5) Quit soft drinks for detox again, keep off Coke for as long as possible
6) Stay lean
7) Finally go to some shows in the Fringe this year

Definitely did the first, and the third, though that was never really in doubt. Saw Stewart Lee, so that sort of does the same. I didn't really succeed in the 5th, or, sadly, the 4th. The 6th was reasonably successful, but less so than I'd like.

I didn't understand what I'd meant by the second: I meant that I wanted my self-destructive moments to produce less success for my life in general. And also not to succeed at self-destructiveness, I think. I like it, kinda wish I'd resolved that again. I have been less successfully self-destructive, though not as much as I'd like. And I've been less successful on the whole, too, I think. So I kept it, I suppose, not as much as I'd like.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope

Did anyone close to you die?
My 83-year old granny, out of nowhere, crashed her car, didn't hurt anyone else and was killed instantly. Best possible way for her to go, I think. I'm mainly worried about how it's affecting my mum, who's aged a lot in the last 2 year, since getting chronic fatigue, losing her job, and needing to spent every afternoon asleep. Although, coming three weeks after I moved to London, it really did disrupt my attempts to start a PhD.

On the whole, though, I've realised I know very few people who've died, which is really good. I don't know how I'll deal with it when someone close does die. I've never been good with loss.

What countries did you visit?
England, for a couple of interviews, a conference and to see a sick girlfriend, and come across as a very cool boyfriend.
Then, in the last quarter, Scotland, for a funeral, and for the holidays.

I've gone two calendar years without leaving the UK. I should correct that.

What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
That's a very good question. A trite answer ... could be "stability", but, if I'm really honest, I don't know how unstable I am, and how much being more stable would be dull. - I wanted for 2008 lacking in 2007.

I'm now rather aware that I'm apparently definitely unstable, and would rather like to deal with that a bit.

Health and happiness for everyone I love is really the main thing I'd ask for. But I know I'm not going to get that.

I'd go with that again, this time with more optimism. Also, the ability to accept some things, and something lasting and good.

Actually, screw it, self-confidence.

What dates from 2008 will remain etched in your memory and why?
22rd of January - Oxford interview, which hurts because I was so nervous I thought I'd totally screwed it up. So never called, because they didn't get back to me before I'd accepted my Imperial place. Might've been better, if I'd gone.
20th of Febuary - "Interview" at Imperial, which wasn't anything of the sort, but was a nice way to chat to Nikolay, and sort of start getting to know him
5th of March - Finding out I got funding for Imperial. This was in the midst of a three day run of getting places with funding, where I actually got to use the line "I've not felt this good since James MacFadden scored in Paris in 2007", and really meant it.
1st of April - Pain.
2nd of May - Handing in my dissertation, getting Colva to swear at the size. Shortly followed by Soph returning and a genuinely great, if high-adrenaline month with my final exams.
20th of May - oversleeping to miss an exam
24th of May. Last exam. Best performance. Crashing in the bed of an ex with nothing happening and not getting chucked out.
31st of May - Leaving Melville.
24th of June - graduating.
27th of July - Leonard Cohen live.
29th of September - End of last time I was properly in St Andrews, and when I really left it, for the first time in ages, properly.
4th of October - starting in London
22nd of October - Los Campesinos! Live. Awesome.
2nd of Novemer - high contender for best sporting event I've ever watched.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Funding for a PhD place. By far. Dealing OK with starting out in London. Still to be seen how this pays out, though.

What were your biggest failures this year?
Not really working that much. Having Pamela end up wanting nothing to do with me. Not making it to St Andrews since I was in Scotland for the funeral.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
I still throw up most days, get headaches, and colds a lot, but don't let them stop me.
As for the last ten years now. That's kinda depressing.

What was the best thing you bought?
My grey fedora, my copy of the Book of Longing, my Leonard Cohen T-shirt, my copy of We Are Beautiful, We Are Doomed or my copy of Analytic Pro-p Groups.

Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Everyone for putting up with me, and everyone for being there.

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Oh, myself.

What did you spend most of your spare cash on?
Comics, books, DVDs, Music. Though going out more, since I got to London

What did you get really, really excited about?
Los Campesinos!, graduation! Arcade Fire! London! Kathryn! Kathryn!

What song will always remind you of 2008?
The Arcade Fire - Rebellion (Lies), or Los Campesinos! - You! Me! Dancing! or You'll Need These Finger For Crossing

Compared to this time last year are you happier or sadder?
Happier, definitely.

Thinner or fatter?
Slightly fatter, I think. Again.

Richer or poorer?
Poorer.

What do you wish you'd done more of?
Dedicated more time to Maths.

What do you wish you'd done less of?
Wasting time on the internet

What was your favorite TV programme?
How I Met Your Mother

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No. Honestly no. Which makes it three years in a row.

What was the last book you read?
Wow, not read any prose for a while, have I? I've started a few books lately, but last thing I finished was probably re-reading Catch-22. Rereading a book you loved years ago, but still old enough to be who you are, or a rough approximation, is great.

What was your greatest musical discovery?
Los Campesinos! Arcade Fire? Add The Long Blondes, and you've got my aural diet of the last two months.

What did you want and get?
Happiness, for a while. Academic success and some respect. Friends.

What did you want and not get?
A place in Oxford. A lasting relationship. Though that doesn't matter, and things with Kathryn seem good!

What was your favourite film this year?
Iron Man! So Awesome!

What did you do on your birthday and how old are you?
I am 22. On my birthday I was at a Go Tournament in Yorkshire, and spent the evening, leaving at 4, on a train, which was delayed, getting me into London too late for the last tube, so I had to try getting night buses for the first time. Which meant I got back at 2 am...

What one thing would've made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Not having things in certain places fall apart.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Jeans, T-shirt and a jacket, generally leather. Occasionally kilt or a shirt. A hoody, for hiding in from April onwards

What kept you sane?
My meds helping me to pull all-nighters alone with maths. Sophie. Kathryn. Actually, Kathryn, definitely, dragging me out when I wanted to stay in a couple of times.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
None, really.

What political issue has stirred you the most?
Nothing much, really.

Who did you miss?
Everyone from St Andrews, of late.

Who was the best new person you met this year?
Kathryn. Akthough honourable mentions to Nikos, Liz Duffy, Ben Hoare, all the maths postgrads, especially Simon and Chris, various Aikmans denzins and Torben earlier in the year

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
A new start is a magical, precious thing.

Happy New Year!

2009-01-05T18:50:16Z

A Happy 2009 to all my friends!

My 2008 ended with an 8 hour train journey to London, where by some incredible coincidence, I'd been sat next to lecturer/professor of pure mathematics from Aberdeen. Having the chance to speak to someone who's not exactly in my discipline, and not at any institute I am or have been or hope to be affliated with in near future was very useful: I was able to casually ask him a couple of really stupid questions I've had lately, which was fortunate.

I got into Kings X, dashed back to South Ealing to dump stuff and shower before heading to Old Street to a party of a friend of Kathryn, with her, along with her Italian ex, who's been staying with her for a week, (yes, I know) and an old school friend who's just starting his PhD at Imperial.

Things got kinda complicated for a while with respect to Max, the ex, and Kathryn, who was wanting to kiss me at New Year. All ultimately resolved, the party was excellent, featured Wii, ecentric covers, untunable guitars, and a lot of tequila all over the place.

It was a great night, and a marked change from my last 4 New Years, spent revising in my parents house, with the whole family gone.

2008 was great, let's hope 2009 stays as fine.

This year I resolve to

1) Do my usual sit-up regime at least until half way through April, as usual.
2) Cut out Lucozade for a couple of months at least.
3) Stay clean shaven for at least the first couple of months of the year. [Due to beards really really suiting me, according to most, I've not really had a chance to try being clean-shaven for ages.]
4) Work more better.
5) Go to comedy clubs.
6) See friends more.
7) Like myself

My tortuous relationship with style

2008-10-31T10:32:47Z

Due to a horrible misunderstanding of the phrase "dress up for halloween", along with a possibly greater misunderstanding of the concept of "dressing up" I was preparing to leave the flat for the office in a shirt, suit jacket, grey fedora and jeans when the phone buzzed. Late, I realise, but after two days of being in the office for 7:30, I felt justified going in late.

It was the postie with my two Amazon parcels of trainers. For those who haven't realised, Amazon is an excellent place for those who, like myself, hate shoe-shopping, to buy shoes.

Furthermore demonstrating my excellent and idiosyncratic sense in style, I opened each package, removed one shoe from each, put them on and am now immediately leaving.

(I've been wearing drastically mismatched converse for a little over 8 months now. It takes people on average between 2 weeks and 2 months to notice this.)

The important things in life: Phonogram.

2008-10-29T11:20:59Z

I really really don't rave enough about Phonogram on this. Phonogram is this comic from imae that, well, I love a bit too much. What's it about?

“Music is Magic.

You know this already. You’ve known this from the first time a record sent a divine shiver down your spine or when a band changed the way you dressed forever. How does something that’s just noises arranged in sequence do that? No-one knows. It’s just… magic.

Everyone knows that. It’s just that some realise that it’s more than metaphor.“

The people in question are the Phonomancers, these urban-pop-obssessive magicians who channel and exploit this magic to achieve their desires. The DJ parasitizing from his retro-club’s crowd to achieve immortality. The girl rewriting her personality with a mix-tape. The boy selling out what a Goddess trapped in plastic told him to get an easy lay. And so on, through memory kingdoms, Faustian pop-pacts and a general avalanche of concepts.

Pop music is magic: Phonogram

That’s all the text. The subtext of Phonogram is that it’s all real. The magic isn’t just posture, but an expression of my theories of how Pop music works. The metaphysics of its world are what I believe. Another standard way of me describing Phonogram is “Imagine Promethea if Moore cared more about the yeah-yeah-yeahs in Martha Reeves and the Vandella’s “Heatwave” than the deified sock-puppet he keeps in the bathroom”. It’s true . It’s music-journalism by other means, with its elements constructed not just because they look good or seem cool to us – which they do – but because they describe what music does to people.

(from here)

Anyway, the cover to the third issue of the upcoming second series is out, and looks like this

[Click for source, and to see a bigger version].

I love it way too much to be helpful, and have done for ... well, two and a half years now. Still one of my favourite things ever, of which I'm probably too big a fan. Which is disturbing, as the first issue wasn't out then. It's affected my taste in music a lot over that time too. This is the reason why I've actually heard of the Long Blondes, who are excellent.

But anyway. This makes me ridiculously pleased.

I think I've now established I can't work with a computer, without medication. Getting to work now...

Frustrations.

2008-10-22T16:01:48Z

The issue with being a PhD student is that you've got to be self-motivating. When you're as good as distracting yourself as me, that's an issue.

On the plus side, first year PhD students have probably the most free time of anyone, in that there's not really anything we're supposed to be doing (although I am doing about 3 hours of teaching and taking 7 hours of lectures a week).

So, shortly after I decided I'm giving up my PhD and working full-time on my ... trying to form a Go club, thinking about death, family crises, love, obsessions, etc and reading assorted books and comics and listening to music, I realised that what with all the reading I've been doing, I've still not actually done any work on my PhD. Although I have found other Go players (and interested potential players who've played a little) and played another first year PhD who's a couple of stones stronger than me. But not really worked on my actual PhD*...

Nikolay gave me some problems to look at in my first week, and I had a small look at one of them, but no real progress. The second relied on a method he'd explained as simple, which I forgot, so asked him to explain again last week. And I appear to have forgotten again. Or it doesn't quite work. Either way, annoying.

Anyway, I love words; it seems to be one of the areas I'm sort of specialising in, but this does end up requiring a lot of Commutator Calculus, which, while not at all really explained in that link, is one of the most complicated little fiddly annoying things there is.

Anyway, I should probably get back to my pushing letters around on sheet of paper and feeling like I should be producing a more sincere and devoted affectation of grief.

I return to Scotland this weekend (but don't actually go home). Would that it were under better circumstances. I'm toying with the idea of going to St Andrews for some of it...

*Or done a lot of things, really.

What if I say that I'll never surrender?

2008-10-20T02:30:11Z

Last night, after hearing Granny had been killed in a car crash (that still feels not real), I decided I didn't feel like going clubbing after all. I sent Kathryn a text explaining this and she insisted on coming over to see that I was OK. And we spoke and I said I was just staying in because I really wasn't in the mood for it.

Shortly after, Nikos and Kathryn, who had by now finished her bottle of Tequila told me that they were dragging me and I was coming and that was it, because I shouldn't stay in alone.

As we walked to the bus, they explained to me a great plan they'd had.
"We have a proposal for you"
"We want to get you drunk"
"You want this, but ..."
"There is one obstacle: you're on medication, which might affect it"
"If it wasn't for this, there would be nothing stopping us."
"We would be forcing it down your throat"
"I'd grab your legs, and he'd hold your mouth under a beer tap"
"However, we have a solution"
"You get drunk..."
"... and we take your medication"
It at least had the virtue and Nikos did offer to pay, but I've can't help feeling selling my prescription amphetamines is something of a moral grey area.

The club was good. There was an excellent live band who caused me to wreck my ears by standing to close to, my neck by headbanging too much and my legs by bouncing too much. In'm very much surprised I've still got a voice after all shouting/singing. I spent a surprising amount of time on the dancefloor, and ended up not leaving until about 20 minutes from the end, at the point where there were way too many sleazy guys and just generally people. And the bouncers were throwing out friends for jumping too much. I still can slip away in a crowd easily, which is nice. The night, which was never going to be good, wasn't too bad.

Unfortunately, the bus then took about an hour to arrive, so by the time we got back around 3, I decided there was little point in going to sleep before the Chinese GP at 7:30.

Before waking up at 7:45 I had a nightmare, the first one I actually recall having in ages, which involved my sister Beth dying (in a horrible way, I think), and also my dog Bilbo dying. It wasn't pleasant. I decided I may as well watch the race, even though I'd missed the start. I then discovered it actually didn't start till 8. The race ended up being rather disappointing - the sort of penultimate race without drama which sets up the final race, but would be glossed over in 10 seconds in any review of the season, so I don't feel bad about drifting in and out of consciousness for it. I resolved not to fall asleep when I got back to my room, because if I slept from 10, my sleep pattern would be totally screwed up.

When I woke at 3pm, annoyed with myself, I realised this day will be long and tricky. I'm pulling an all-nighter working on preparing for the taught courses I'm taking, and plan to head in to the office for 7. Yes, because I'm that stupid and determined to avoid bad traffic on the tube. Anyway, after working for a couple of hours, I'm going to go and buy We Are Beautiful, We Are Doomed, the new album by Los Campesino!, which should be great, then invigilating a first year class test, after asking Will, the PhD student next door what exactly invigilating involves. After this, I've got taught courses solidly until half one when I meet Dave Miller, tall ginger statistician in Bath out of St Andrews, for lunch, followed by a half-two meeting with the disabilities person, about getting a DSA. At this point I should finally have a chance to listen to the new album obsessively, as is only right, before I head off to see Los Campesinos! live in Camden tonight. It should be excellent. And since my next three days are this busy, I'm probably going to be exhausted.

I'll probably find out Funeral details and have to make plans for a return to Scotland soon.

I'm glad I've got so many friends, generally. I'd not realised just how many really good friends I've got, or how fortunate I am of this, until just now, really. Even if I am way, way too high-maintenance.

I should really get working...

Working for the church while your family dies, little baby sister gonna lose her mind

2008-10-18T16:35:40Z

Huh. So, after a my first full week at Imperial, which is incredibly challenging, culminating in an ill-advised dexedrine-fueled all-nighter, when I kinda broke down at 2 am and spent way too long freaking out about the fact that Pamela still doesn't want to be friend or have anything to do with me again, and then drinks with the new maths PhDs where I resolved to start up an Imperial College Go Club, I'm trying to have a good weekend. I didn't really manage to do stuff with my friends here at all, so am kinda having a big night out tonight. Possibly featuring clubbing, which I've never done before, but in the general spirit of doing things that scare me, I'm going to do it.

But my granny was just killed in a car accident. It's unexpected. Given she's 80, crossing the lane to hit a lorry head on is a pretty good way to go: she died still able to do everything, without apparent suffering. It's going to be complicated for me to make it up for the funeral, especially since I've got a lot of classes, and have to do some teaching and marking from next week, but it should be do-able. I'm ... slightly concerned by how little this seems to be hurting, but it's going to sink in later and then I'll have that.

I'm really worried about what this will do to my mum. She's still very ill, as she has been for the last two years. Last year, she lost her job because she's been off for over year, and she's vaguely directionless. She's rather frail, and needs a two hour nap every afternoon to be able to operate. Until late '06, when she got a virus and just didn't ever really recover, she'd been very strong, capable, and doing excellent work as a GP. It kills me to see her, at barely 50 years old to be this weak, and I know it's really frustrating for her too.

Since my little sister Fiona left home to start uni a month or so back, she's been rather lonely. I know having me at home for longer this year was great, and she really enjoyed spending time with me. Losing her mother's going to hit her hard, especially as all her kids have left home and my dad's arthritis has been seriously bad in the last year and a half.

I don't know when the funeral is. It's crazy how completely unexpected this is.
But then, everything about my life these day seems to make little sense.
Interesting times, I suppose.

Imperial introduction: Pt. 1, The Department

2008-10-17T06:07:29Z

I have now been a student at Imperial College London for just about two weeks.

The maths is of an incredibly high standard, incredibly intimidating, especially as I'm one of only two new Pure PhD students, and there's only one other studying algebra, a third year. Cristiano, the other pure mathematician from my year is an Italian (algebraic?) geometer, working with Simon Donaldson, who, as a Fields Medallist, is rather intimidating to work with. Christino's English is not yet that great, so reading the papers he's been given has been tricky. He seems friendly enough, though, and we get on well so far.

I have a quarter of an office, although in practice, I've always been the only one in there. It actually has a good old-fashioned blackboard (as opposed to the whiteboards mostly replacing them), and a view which is about as good as I could expect in London. The other pure students have been very helpful and friendly.

I feel a very odd mix of very young and very old, these days. On one hand, I'm a PhD student, I've got teaching jobs coming up, including invigilating on Monday, which, with my ability to sit still, should be interesting, and most PhD students are mid-20s: at least 23, say. At 21, I feel very young, especially as so many of the Masters students who're in Clayponds with me are older than me.

The Huxley building, which contains the maths, computing and parts of the physics department is labyrinthine. It has 11 floors, helpfully numbered 1,2 (street level), 3 (which has the most commonly used entrance), 4, 5 (where the maths staff room, with a wide selection of food and hot drinks are sold at a discount, is), 6 (which is where I live, along with most mathematicians), 6M (don't ask - it has something to do with connecting to the Blackwell Physics building, and is mainly notable to me for having the superbroadcast lecture room), 7, 8, 9 and, in a disappointingly predictable fashion, 10. They obviously ran out of imagination partway up. Each floor (well, each floor above 4) is a very rough figure of 8, where each loop has a lot more corners than one could reasonably expect. On the fifth floor, the maths staff room has an outdoor section in the middle of one of the loops: I'm pretty sure below it are the lecture theatres. At the end of the first week, I'd established that there are at least two sets of lifts and three sets of stairs, though no upper bound has been found for this number. The distribution of bathrooms is rather odd: I think each floor has 3 bathrooms scattered in the same three spots on each floor, but the male and female ones switch each floor.

Nikolay, my supervisor is excellent. As well as being scarily intelligent, he is a good teacher, and can explain things to reasonable levels and is able to dumb things down for me. He's an expert problem-solver: Nicholas, who finds these things by some sort of magic, found out last week or so that he's 8th on the International Mathematics Olympiad Hall of fame. Working with him should be fun, but I hope I can avoid wasting his time or being as rubbish as I imagine I will. He's one of only two algebraists in the department, the other, Martin Liebeck, is a group theorist focussing on classical (i.e. Matrix) groups, which I'll probably have to deal with at some point.

Imperial campus is sprawling

I'm currently attending an undergrad masters-lelvel course in ALgebraic Topology, and grad courses, broadcast between Oxford, Imperial, Warwick, Bath and Bristol on Homological Algebra, L-Funtions and Geometric Analysis. The last is way out of my field, and above my head, but I've been attending the first copuple of lectures because he's a Fields Medallist. Homological Algebra, which has so far in

Very briefly

2008-10-12T09:18:19Z

6 Characters in Search of an Author, now playing at the Gielgud Theatre is incredible.

Also, features Ian Mcdiarmid, so you get a great moment partway through when you realise you're watching the Emperor.

More detail later.

Also: Hamilton's an idiot. And Massa is determined to keep being so inconsistent